~my thoughts about life~

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Not Dead

Proof that I'm still living.
Anniversary time on the Boardwalk.

Although I've been MIA for quite some time, I assure you that I am not dead. I repeat, NOT dead.

I will say, however, that I have recently been closer to a nervous breakdown than ever before in my life. As hard as I try to keep up my Super Mom image, I have failed. Lately, I have felt much more like Pond Scum of the Earth Mom than Super Mom. As I write this, I am sitting alone in the dark, on the quiet back patio, enjoying the amazingly perfect weather God gave us on this Mother's Day. The kids & Hubby are all in bed, so I wandered out here to decompress. Sending my thoughts out into cyberspace seems such great therapy for me, so I'm pecking away on my iPhone to my favorite counsellors out in Blogland. Just send the bill to She Says. 

I have never felt before that having 4 kids was too much for me. Sure, I've been overwhelmed...lots of times. But I always felt like a night's rest and a new morning would make everything turn out. Not recently. 

For example, tonight I was helping Son #2 with a paper on the computer. Big Sis was quoting Bible Quizzing scriptures to me, Baby Girl was asking for food, & Son #1 was telling me a story about something random that I actually would have enjoyed hearing...if I had the time. I felt like my head was going to explode!  Hubby was down with a headache & Super Mom was just unable to find the cloning button on her Magic Bracelet. I have more kids than ears. It wasn't working. 

Centerpieces I made with photos I took.  Clever, no?
Since February, I have been so overwhelmed. It started off with the bridal shower for my great friend. It turned out beautifully, but it was a LOT of work. Her wedding was in March. Again, quite lovely...very stressful. Add in some extended family problems, a health insurance company that dropped us, and a pay decrease for Hubby....that equals stress. Then add in a sewer repair project that ended up costing $9000 we didn't have. Yikes!!

Let's move on to April, which consisted of another monthly Bible Quizzing trip, Son #2's State Tournament for Destination Imagination, and Son #1's State Large Group Contest for Band. All that was on one day!!!  Son #1 turned 15 and we had a quick getaway to Amish Country (since a Spring Break trip was no longer in the budget). Easter music practices, DI practices, babysitting, & extra Banquet rehearsals were all stirred up in the mix. 

So far in May, I had my annual Banquet that is the height of my stress for the year. That went surprisingly well, even though my first assistant is the one who just got married & my second is very pregnant!  Saturday night, we held Son #2's birthday party, which was a smashing success and a lot of work. I'm still achy. We also found out Saturday that we were denied coverage for the health insurance we applied for in mid-December. Dial up the stress meter. (I've cancelled all my doctor appointments because I can't afford them.)  Sunday was Mother's Day and our 18th wedding anniversary. See, it just never ends!  

This weekend, the boys will be gone on a youth trip. That actually might be a little, nice break for me.  While #1's attitude has improved some, #2 has been quite difficult to handle. I'm at my wits' end with him, but don't care to go into detail. I'm worried that Hubby's relationship with the boys may be permanently scarred because of all their fighting. It's definitely taken a few years off my life. 

These kids are so clever & awesome!
Remember the pay cut & the $9000 sewer?  Well, Son #1's DI team advanced to Globals in Knoxville, TN. The cost is $800 per student, plus my costs for registration, travel, food, & lodging. Hubby can't get off work, so Baby Girl & I are making the voyage together. The big kids will be in school, with my mom helping out. I'm nervous/excited. Worrying about the money though has given me an ulcer. 

#1 asked what I'm going to do for Hubby's birthday (in two weeks). I explained that I can only handle one event at a time. Then I move on to the next. The party is over (even though the mess still exists), so now I'm focusing on my last meeting of the year for my girls' group and the surprise baby shower for my assistant that's going along with it. It's tomorrow (Monday). 

But here's what's gotten me down. I was woken suddenly at 3 AM with the thought that I never filled out #2's application for National Junior Honor Society. I looked at the form to find out the deadline was more than 2 weeks ago. That's why I gave myself the Pond Scum nickname. Yes, I know it's technically his responsibility, but he's a tad immature about things like that. If I didn't stay on him, he'd never brush his teeth, shower, do homework, or stop playing video games. So I know it's my fault. I filled out the application & made him write the essay anyway. I know it won't be considered, and I didn't ask for it to be. I did write a note to the supervising teacher saying that I was overwhelmed with life but would rather turn it in late than never. If nothing else, it will help me sleep tonight. That is, if the nursing home behind my house doesn't wake me up again, like it has most nights this week. Just adding to the stress...

Sorry for this long, detailed, and boring post. Again, it was more about my therapy and less about your entertainment. Sorry. Hey, at least I didn't use the phrase "Me Time!"  (I despise that saying!)

Good night, all. I appreciate our sessions together!  Hugs!!