The Rules of Vacation

I recently vacationed at Disney World, where apparently the rules are different than those of real life. I am going to share the top ten rules with you today. Pay attention because you are about to learn some great things here.  (If you do not care for sarcasm, please skip this post as it is absolutely dripping with it.)

1. If you feel that you are personally more excited to get into the park or an attraction than those around you, it is OK to push and shove others. I guess we all revert to our childhoods when we go to Disney, so that's perhaps why adults behave like children.

2. If you are on a motorized scooter, for whatever reason, you own the world. You do not have to stop for other people. You can and should run them over whenever necessary. Hubby got hit by scooters twice with no apology following. Maybe tall, skinny guys are worth more points in the game of Scooter Frogger.

3. If you don't speak English, you don't have to wait in lines at all. Since you don't know how to speak their language, the citizens will assume you also don't know how to stand in a line. This goes for all beverage machines, restrooms, and character greetings.

4. Speaking of beverage machines, it is perfectly acceptable to stand at one as long as you want, as long as you are:
A. Washing out your cup
B. Trying to decide what you want
C. Mixing flavors to figure what tastes best, dumping, and trying again
D. Making up your coffee or tea.
It does not matter how many people are in line behind you. It also doesn't matter if there is a large, empty counter next to you for the purpose of steeping your tea. Stay in front of the machine. All those other suckers can wait.

5.  If you park your stroller outside an attraction, do so at your own risk.  It WILL be in a different location when you return.  I think they give away a prize at the end of the day to the family who spends the most time looking for their stroller.  The 15 minutes I once spent put me only in fourteenth place, compared to the twelve hours spent by the winners. 

6.  Disney World, the family vacation capital of the world, is a totally appropriate place to wear your thong bathing suit, your too-small string bikini, or your tight, revealing workout clothes.  Don't be bothered by all the children running around you (whose eye level happens to be right at your buttock area).  They certainly won't notice your bare, naked butt cheeks staring them right in the face.  (I actually took a photo of once such person with my cell phone to send to my sister-in-law.  I, in good conscience, could never post that photo here.  After all, I am not a pornographic blog.)

7.  When the Disney employee at an attraction tells the crowd over and over and over to go ALL THE WAY TO THE END OF THE ROW, they do not mean you.  They're talking to the 247 other people in the room.  You may stop right in the middle of the row and make everyone else step over you.

8.  Bring a wheelchair or motorized cart.  It gets you into the front of every line.  No, you don't have to be injured or handicapped to use one.  When your friend gets tired of walking, get out of the chair and let him sit in it for a while.  As long as one of you is using the chair, you can skip all lines.  (Yes, we totally saw someone do this.  Then we saw the guy walk for ten whole minutes to get somewhere he needed to go.  Maybe he was miraculously healed all of a sudden.)

9.  Do not shower before coming to the park.  It's hot there anyway, so why bother?
Funny story about this one.  On our bus ride to the park one morning, we were standing next to a man with major B.O.  It was gagging me so badly that I had to cover my mouth and nose with my shirt.  Halfway through the day, we were waiting in line for Nemo.  I mentioned to Hubby that it must be really hot because everyone here seems to smell so bad.  As I was turning the corner, I noticed the same guy from the bus!  He stank at nine in the morning and still stank at two.  Amazingly, I remembered his smell and recognized him by it.

10. If you're walking in a large crowd, it is totally acceptable to stop in the middle of the walkway to:
A.  Look at your map
B.  Discuss with your group where you want to go next
C.  Fumble through your bag, looking for something
The people who were forced to stop right behind you don't mind waiting on you.  They are actually quite interested to hear where you're going next or what you found in your bag.  Never move to the side of the road to accomplish these tasks.

-AND-

11. (Since I numbered wrong the first time...) NEVER give up your seat on the bus. You got there first, so you earned it. Pregnant women and old people are on their own.
It's unreal how often I saw parents allowing their small children to occupy seats when other people, who would really appreciate the seat, had to stand. Hubby and I each held a kid any time we sat on a bus, but usually ended up giving our seats to others. Each of my boys ended up holding one of their sisters so we could take up as little room as possible. Standing on a moving bus, while holding my 3-year old was nearly impossible. It surprised me how few people offered to give their seat up.

If people could just learn to follow the same rules I try to teach my 3-year old, the park would be so much more enjoyable for everyone else there.  People are just naturally rude, I guess.