Happy in Marriage

Years ago, I attended a marriage retreat in an out-of-the-way, upscale Amish hotel. Our church used to host these events annually. I am typically the kind of person whose memory lasts as long as a fruit fly's lifetime. But once in a while, something makes such an impression on me that I remember it, almost verbatim, for years. The retreat I'm referencing is one of those occasions.

Tuesday, I read a blog posting from one of my favorite bloggers. He was describing the shortcomings of men, at least as seen through the eyes of (bitter) women. That post brought me back to a specific seminar at this retreat. The speaker discussed the differences between men's and women's needs. The main need in a man's life is respect. The most detrimental things to his masculinity are being disrespected and torn down. He can't function with a bruised ego. To see a man exist to his greatest potential, I, as a woman, must build up his ego.

But we women are made up of completely different ingredients. The most important thing to our existence is the need to be loved and valued. If a man cannot hold down a job to support us, mentally challenge us with though-provoking conversation, or express similar interests BUT, he loves us unconditionally, treats us like a queen, and does anything short of dying for us, we will be content. But how do you get your man to meet your emotional needs? If you build him up, honor him, and respect him, he will want to value you.

OK, feminists, settle down now! I'm not suggesting that a woman become a passive pushover who allows her man to trample her. A woman can respectfully demand respect. When your man is on the top of his manly mountain, kindly suggest to him some ways he could meet your emotional needs. If you each learn to live to fulfill the needs of the other, your marriage will be a happy one.

Did you know that it takes two positives to eliminate one negative? It's true. If you belittle or degrade your spouse, it will take two acts of kindness to equal the hurt caused by that solitary, painful act. Spend the next week keeping a mental score. But only focus on your score; don't track your spouse's score just yet. Be honest with yourself and make a note of any hurtful things you might say or do. Then track the uplifting things. When the positives surpass the negatives, you will see your spouse's score begin to change too. I've tried it...it works.

This little lecture is also for my benefit to remind me what marriage is about. When I decided to start living for him, the quality of my marriage and my life improved. I'm one of the minorities: a young woman happy in marriage and in life.