~my thoughts about life~

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Questioning Myself

I'm feeling guilty about something and I need you to let me know if I'm totally out of line.

There's this couple I know.  They've been dating about eight months, I believe, and they're getting married next weekend.  They met on the internet and he flew across the country to meet her.  He stayed there for six months and brought her back wearing an engagement ring.

This man is, frankly speaking, not all there.  Unfortunately, he was beaten as a child and suffered brain damage.  I can totally handle people with special needs.  In fact, I think I even have a certain patience for them.  But this guy is different.  He has a violent streak and he's not a small dude.  He has been known to pin his mother to the ground out of anger.  He has locked her in closets and bathrooms.  He once left the house in the middle of the night and ran up his (or maybe his mom's?) credit cards at a club.

So that's his back story.  Since I've met him, I can't say that he's stalked me.  But I feel very uncomfortable around him.  He likes to ask me lots of questions.  He kind of follows me around and he takes great interest in one of my hobbies.  It makes me nervous.  As a defense mechanism, I've been very stand-offish to him.  I feel that being overly nice would encourage him to like me more.  I'm not totally rude but I hope that my cold manner gives him a hint that I don't want a personal relationship with him. 

His fiancee' is a tiny little thing who also has special needs.  She's sharp intellectually but has some sort of handicap that I can't diagnose.  She has no idea what she's in store for.  In the short time they've known each other, it's likely that she's never seen his rage.  I feel so sorry for her because she's going to experience it sooner or later.

Practically no one showed up for this girl's bridal shower, including me.  My sister-in-law did, the one who just had a baby.  The bride asked my SIL to be in the wedding, even though she didn't know her name.  She said she was trying to meet new people and make friends.  My SIL was in shock and said yes.  Minutes later, she realized what she had done.  She returned to the girl, explained that she just had a baby and she was nursing.  There was no way she could be in the wedding but she would still like to be friends.

The guilt overwhelmed me.  This poor thing can't find people to be in her wedding.  Her family isn't even coming to the wedding.  A mutual friend said that the groom has a sister and several female cousins.  She told me that's plenty of bridesmaids and I have no need to feel guilty.  (This person also turned her down for legitimate reasons.)

Over the weekend, the mother approached my husband and asked if we were going to the wedding.  We totally weren't planning on it.  Hubby said he thinks we might be going out of town.  We do have actual plans for that day, but the plans aren't out of town.  I hate lying.  We're going to have to drive to another city that day just so I can sleep at night.

Am I a horrible person for avoiding this guy and for skipping his wedding?  Should I be more patient with him because of his disability?  Or am I just being smart by protecting myself?  I need your thoughts, cyberfriends!


imagesisee.blogspot.com said...

I guess my first question would be "do either of these people profess to be Christians?" If one does and the other doesn't, then that's the first red flag.

If neither does or both do, the next question is, "has anyone told the girl about this guy's history?" If not, someone should really sit her down and give her the facts. She probably wouldn't believe/listen to the person, but at least she could never say she hadn't been forewarned.

This is really scary. Verbal and emotional abuse is bad enough, but add potential physical abuse and it's nasty.

I don't blame you for being so cautious. It's sad for the girl to feel so alone, but maybe that should be a clue to her.

I wouldn't go. And I wouldn't lie or make excuses. I'd just say that I don't feel that this is a good situation and I don't want to give the impression that I'm condoning their marriage by being in attendance.

Just my .02 worth.

Theresa said...

Oh my gosh. To be honest, I have known people like the guy you are talking about. I just don't even know what to say here. Why are the bride's family NOT coming? Do they suspect something? Prayers, prayer, prayers....I don't blame you at all for not going to the wedding.

This is very scary. My husband was raised in an abusive home. He left at age 18 and hardly looked back, except when I made him, because I didn't "get it". I let his family in to my life, but he kept telling me not to (and it was a mistake to let some of them in). My husband is the kindest, gentlest man and so forgiving and accepting and accomodating...SOOOO different from his family.

I really just don't even know what to say. I doubt you can talk to the girl without enraging him. Pray. If he is in your church, talk to your pastor...even if he is not in your church, I would talk to you pastor. That always helps me in dealing with certain issues that come up in Jason's family.

Cory said...

I wouldn't go to the wedding, and wouldn't participate. Have you asked her mom if her daughter knows about his history, and past? To me a brain injury is often times a lot different than an organic natural disability. I would avoid contact altogether. I knew a man like that many years ago, and was so happy when he left our area. He was very untrustworthy. It is sad that this man had a bad childhood, and injury, but not worth putting your own self at risk. I wouldn't feel guilty.