Leaving on a Jet Plane

As I begin packing for our anniversary trip to Las Vegas, I get more and more irritated with the airline industry.  Going through security at the airport is by far the worst part of the entire trip.  I am pegged as a security threat as soon as I near the metal detectors.  It's like I'm wearing a t-shirt that says I Am A Terrorist.  Security personnel give me dirty looks and treat me like I just got caught holding up a convenient store at gunpoint.  Why?  2 reasons.

1. To put it frankly, I am well endowed at the top.  Therefore, I require underwire bras.  Oh my...wearing an underwire is much more criminal than jay walking or failing to make a complete stop before turning on red.  It ranks slightly under domestic abuse.  I am taken to a side room, if one is available, and felt up like a teenage girl in a dark movie theater.  Last time, however, a side room wasn't available.  So my breasts were cupped by a grouchy security woman right in front of everyone at Laguardia.  I guess she was checking to see if they were real or silicone.
2. I use hair pins.  That is a crime even worse than an underwire bra.  I think it falls in the same category as kidnapping a child.  I wear my hair up almost every day of my life.  (My profile picture was taken on a rare, maybe yearly occasion that my hair was down.)  So when security realizes that my hair is up in pins, they spring into action.  There might be a bomb in there, after all.  First, they ask me if I will take my hair down.  I politely reply, "No."  It takes twenty minutes to get it up exactly how I want it.  The last thing I'm going to do is take it down in the middle of the airport.  Then I'll be running toward my gate with bobby pins and a fake hairpiece in my hands, looking like a drowned sewer rat.

Mind you, I am thankful for the increased security at airports.  I guess taking my hair down is not the last thing I would want to do.  The very last thing I would want to do is be hijacked and killed on a flight.  So, let me clear that up first.  But I wish it was handled differently.  Like the express line at grocery store, I need to go through a separate line that is only for people who are 100% positive they will beep in the metal detectors.  This line would bypass the regular security station.  The people would be taken into private rooms where they would strip down to their undies to prove that no machetes are hidden between their legs.  Well, even then I would still beep because of the aforementioned underwire.

Another thing that totally bugs me about air travel is the liquid rule.  I have been up in my room squeezing all my toiletries into little clear bottles.  Will I remember what is in each 3 oz. bottle?  Probably not.  I'll be doing a lot of smelling to try to figure out what is what.  I can't take my nearly empty 8 oz. bottle of face cream because who knows what kind of havoc could be reaped with that!  (I'm bitter about the face cream because it was confiscated on my last flight.)  And also, I just read that you can only take one quart sized bag to hold all your liquids and gels.  So even though I need shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, body lotion, face cream, deodorant, sunscreen, mouthwash, toothpaste, and Visine, I can only take what fits into one ziplock baggie.  I can't even consider taking cough syrup for this scratchy throat I have.

So yes, I will soon be leaving on a jet plane.  That is, if they don't lock me up for my excessive metal or liquids.  I'm such a hardened criminal!